Childhood Memories & Regrets

(As posted on my MySpace page last night)...

I guess I’ve been feeling somewhat nostalgic lately, largely due to my coming in contact with "long lost" family and friends again, after such a vast separation. (It’s funny how the Lord works in our lives, and brings to fruition those inner desires of our hearts. What a blessing!)

But anyway, as I’ve looked through online photos and old family photo albums, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about all those distant childhood memories (and people), some that I hadn’t thought about in several years. It’s been quite a journey, this stroll down Memory Lane. There are, of course, happy memories which make me smile. But then, too, there are the sad (even tragic) memories that bring on the tears. Either way, the trip is well-worth it, because as I eluded to earlier, the Lord has allowed this to come to pass for a reason. I believe that with all my heart. And I trust and pray GOOD things will come out of this, for HIS glory.

One of my cousins that I’ve recently come in contact with again... I’ve really had her on my heart ever since. She’s a number of years younger than me. In fact, it’s her older sister who’s the same age as me. But she (the younger one) used to come and spend the night with me quite a bit, growing up. I can remember how she often spent the night on Saturday, so she was able to come to church with us on Sunday morning. I loved that (as did she), because I got to fix her hair all pretty... sometimes with curls and/or ribbons. I got to "dress her up" in something I still had in my closet that was too small for me, but maybe just a tad bit big on her. For whatever length of time she was with us, she was like "my own little girl", at least that’s the way I saw it, anyway. Oh, how I enjoyed that!

In the years of time since then, somehow I feel like I failed "my little girl". I, myself, didn’t always walk the chalk-line. There were about 10 years or so (roughly) that I was out of church, beginning in those latter teen years. There were many things I did during that time, that I shudder to even think about today. What shame there is in looking back on my sin!

But as I do take that journey, I can’t help but think about those others whom my sin affected. I think of my own little brother, for instance. He NEEDED his sister... his only sister... to help him during his critical decision-making years. Yet, where was she? I was out in the world, doing my own thing, living life to the fullest. (What I didn’t realize until after-the-fact, was that no matter how "good" the good times were, life WASN’T its fullest. That was just one of those lies from the devil himself. Life isn’t at its fullest unless you’re walking in close communion with Christ! That’s REAL fullness!)

So not only did my sin alter my own life, but it also ultimately affected my brother’s life, as well. I look now at all the problems and struggles he’s had (and has), and I can see how differently things could be today, had I not gone out on my own expedition, leaving him totally to fin for himself. I could have truly been a "big sister" by helping him make good choices... the number one choice being, to live a life surrendered to and sold out to Christ! (If that’s there, everything else falls easily into place.)

I could also have helped him by giving him the encouragement he so needed, rather than constantly criticizing him for choices I didn’t necessarily agree with, over the years. What a difference that, in itself, would have made!

But as I mentioned, it wasn’t just my brother who my sin afftected. I think about my cousin, who I, on some level, considered for many years to be "my own little girl". I think about the difference there might be today in some of her choices, had my own choices been made more sensibly. What an awesome position I was in for all those years as we were growing up, to guide her and teach her the things of the Lord! I can remember how I used to take she and the other children outside, and do Bible Stories with them. Perhaps if I had continued on the right course myself, she nor I would have made the mistakes we’ve each made in the years since.

I think about she and my brother, and it truly breaks my heart. WHAT A FAILURE I AM, for abandoning the life that Christ meant for me to live!!! Even if for just a little while (or for 10 years, to be exact), so much damage was done! Those whom I loved dearly suffered (and are still suffering) because I was disobedient to God’s Word. I fell away from the life God had intended for me, and it became a chain reaction, that now affects so many others, as well.

I don’t know how to "fix" it now, other than to pray continuously for each of them, which I’m now committed to doing. I would love to see them living the abundant life God purposed for them. I do pray they see how much they are loved... by me, of course, but most of all, by our Heavenly Father. Once anyone truly "sees" HIS love, it’s hard to see anything else, despite what the devil may throw at us.

I am praying.

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